Dear Past Me,
You were a weird kid. But you had every right to be weird. It’s not like we ever had anything normal going for us. You’re a survivor. It’s what you do. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. You survived being born two months premature when everyone told your mother you weren’t going to make it. You pulled through when you had your first asthma attack in kindergarden. And you’ve struggled through emotional turmoil one after another your whole life.
It doesn’t get easier. Your life. But you get used to it. You move a lot. It’s fine. It’s easy for you to make friends. Your problem is that it’s hard to keep them. Don’t let it get to you. College will be the best experience of your life.
You still don’t know who your parents were; you learn a lot about your dad (spoiler alert: no matter what happens, you’ll still always love him). You don’t know much more about your mom than you do now, but that’s okay. You’re not even bothered by it right now. You won’t be for a long time; not until that day in high school when that girl everyone likes told you you weren’t Korean enough to be considered Asian. She doesn’t know you well enough to know how much those words hurt, but it’s okay that you secretly never liked her after that. She’s not a bad person, but you don’t have to forgive her. People aren’t going to stop objectifying you just because you develop stronger opinions and feel marginalized. You learn that the hard way. It’s okay, too, the way you learn that. Your mom won’t understand, and that makes you even more upset.
You should be. Being upset isn’t wrong, and it certainly makes good motivation. You take a lot of crap in your life, and you always push through it. But your way of getting through it is art and writing. I know, I know. Right now you’re going to be a marine biologist. Don’t give up on that, you still secretly want to do that. You don’t tell anyone, though, because it sounds stupid. We’re going to be involved, some way or another, one day on an animated film that involves marine life. I promise. I don’t know for sure, but I still have every desire to make that happen.
By the way, Finding Nemo is a great movie. You should maybe idolize Ellen Degeneres more. She’s funny, and you like her. Also, be wary, Mar-bear ends up stealing your DVD of it later and watches it every night you aren’t home. She burns a ring in the DVD- Oh wait, you still watch VHS. DVDs are CDs - if you leave them in a disc player too long, it’ll burn a ring into the DVD. Mar-bear ruins your copy, but don’t worry, she buys a new copy before you even know. Don’t be mad at her, she watches it because she misses you.
Don’t forget to watch Glee, okay? You don’t hear about it until November the year it airs, but you love it. Don’t listen to your roommate; she’s an obnoxious theater snob, remember? She’s going to be vocal about her opinions. You want to watch it anyway, even if they’re not your DVDs to borrow. K will get back from France in time for the second half of the season anyway, and she loves it too. And maybe it would have been smarter to schedule your classes better your senior year of college so you weren’t always missing it to watch with J and Mike n’ Mike, but you watch it with K later anyway.
Don’t forget to give K a hug at the end of the year. She had a rough time (it’s kind of your fault, but she gets a boyfriend in the end, so everyone is happy). She hates hugs, but you give them to her anyway because she’s your best friend.
Don’t ask me to tell you whether you’re happy or if you have a boyfriend or whatever. I know for a fact you don’t even give a shit about a boyfriend right now. You won’t. Ever. Because you shouldn’t. Focus on school, and don’t worry about what everyone else wants you to do.
Everyone, and I mean like everyone, will bother you about that. Why won’t you just go out on a date with this person or that person? One of your friends will actually make you really upset about that, but don’t worry. There’s nothing wrong with you.
You are a deeply empathetic person. You care about love, and so far, you haven’t found it yet. And that’s okay. You have a happy heart, and you have people that keep it that way. Whether or not you find love isn’t important. Not right now. Just always remember to cherish it if you do find it.
You’re a survivor, for sure. You did good.
P.S. - That Pokémon Nintendo DS lite you really wanted comes out two years later for $100 less than you bought it for in New York, and you should probably realize that B is a stupid head before he wastes too much of your time. Also, it’s okay to let people go. Just because you’ve never had a close friend for more than 6 years doesn’t mean it’s okay for people to take advantage of you. Most of the people that do just want to get in your pants anyway, honey, and those people are douche canoes.
P.S.S. - K is still around, and she’ll be your best friend for a while. She moved to SF with you for school. Make sure you don’t let yourself get caught up in not calling her or texting her just because you’re lonely. She’s lonely too. She needs that extra push sometimes. It doesn’t bother you to text her. And she doesn’t care that you write ITYTD, and yes you will be embarrassed that she’s reading it. But she’s been very supportive of you.
ITYTD is an acronym for something you start writing. Don’t worry about it right now. Just don’t say “Eye-tee-why-tee-dee,” it stands for “I’ll Teach You to Dance.” There is no reason to say the acronym letter for letter, because all the words are only one syllable long, and it doesn’t make it any shorter to say “Eye-tee-why-tee-dee” over “I’ll Teach You to Dance.”
Listen to more music. Don’t hate on Ke$ha or Nicki Minaj too much, you end up loving them. Yeah, you do. Fuck you, they’re great. They embrace their quirkiness.